


Crash & Burn

by nanamousse



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Abandonment, Alternate Universe - College/University, College Parties, Dubious Consent, Family Drama, Heavy Angst, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Isolation, Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun & Na Jaemin Are Siblings, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan & Na Jaemin Are Best Friends, M/M, Minor Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno, Minor Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Lee Taeyong, Na Jaemin-centric, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung, Past Mark Lee/Na Jaemin, Tags Contain Spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:27:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23804608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nanamousse/pseuds/nanamousse
Summary: In just a span of 24 hours, Jaemin graduated from high school and lost his father, his boyfriend, and his brother. Now, he has to navigate his way to college on his own. Good thing his best friend, Donghyuck, is there every step of the way. Unfortunately, it's not enough to keep him away from harm's way.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Na Jaemin, Mark Lee/Na Jaemin, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Na Jaemin/Original Male Character(s)
Comments: 13
Kudos: 51





	1. Graduation Party

**Author's Note:**

> Scared to write this one, but will go crazy forcing it to go away. Here it goes. Unbetaed.

_They said that high school is the best three years of your life. But nothing beats the last two months of summer before college - the last summer of your youth._

_Well, at least, that’s what Jaehyun-hyung told me three years ago while we were lying on my bed the night after his graduation. He was putting me to sleep while waiting for his friends to pick him up to head at some house party - their last hurrah. It was silly because I was already 15 (in a month and something weeks, I’ll be 16) at that time and I just graduated from junior high on the same fucking day. Still, he insisted because he said that, in just eight weeks, he’ll be moving out of our house to live in some college dorm in the city and he wants to make the most of his time left with me._

_Anyway, I believed him. About that thing with high school and summer before college. Even before I got the taste of it, I already believed it and I couldn’t wait to experience it. Because that’s just how it is with me - I believe in every single fucking thing he says._

_Jaehyun Na was my guide - the northern star - in this confusing maze called life. He seemed to always know what to do, where to go, so I figured it’s best for me to just follow._

_That’s until things changed and I was left on my own._

* * *

At exactly 8:30PM, Jeno Lee pulls over his spanking new Audi in front of the Na residence and blows its horns for three times. 

Jaemin takes that as his cue to leave. So, he quickly storms out of his bedroom in tight blue jeans, white shirt layered with an open black polo, and signature kicks. He won’t want to be scolded for being late. Again. It’s not like tonight’s important. They’re just heading to their graduation house party - the same kind of party his brother went to three years ago, organized by the graduating class’ seniors. A graduation gift of some sort that became a tradition in their school. Renjun insisted that they go there early to get the best of the night.

“Whoa, there!” Jaehyun calls as he blocks the front door. “You’re really excited to get shitfaced, huh?”

Scowling, Jaemin complains, “Get out of the way, hyung!”

Jaehyun laughs and extends his arms to his side, which Jaemin answers with a raised eyebrow. “When did you become so fucking annoying!” Jaehyun jokes as he steps forward to wrap his arms around his younger brother, “You used to be a cute little angel, Jaemin Na.”

“Well, this place used to be fucking heaven,” Jaemin grumbles, not bothering to return the hug.

Releasing the younger boy from his hold, Jaehyun cradles Jaemin’s face to life his eyes directly to him and says, “I know things are shit right now - probably more than shit -”

“Try motherfucking bullshit, literally,” Jaemin interrupts, glaring at the direction of the dining room where his mother’s eating dinner with two other people, “Mark and I will break up after tonight because I can’t do a stupid long-distance relationship. Mom and dad’s divorce is final. Then, her boyfriend just really had to swoop right in with his son and ask her to marry him. If there’s a contest on who got the world’s worst graduation gift, I better win that shit.”

“Hey, hey, calm down. I get what you mean, Jaem, and I’m sorry,” Jaehyun tells the younger, “I wish I can make this all go away or promise you that this is going to get better. But I’m lost myself and I might even make things worse for you. Still, at least, just for tonight...don’t think about any of this. Enjoy your last night with Mark and drink whatever you get your hands on. Stay out late as much as you want. Have fun. Don’t worry, kid. In just two months, you’re out of here too.”

Another batch of honking comes from outside.

“I need to go or else Hyuck might break into our door,” Jaemin says, looking up at his brother to see a small grin, “thanks, hyung.”

Jaehyun nods and pulls him for another embrace - a tight one - that Jaemin returns this time.

* * *

A hand slips inside Jaemin’s shirt while another holds him at the back of his neck. Jaemin shivers despite the heat of the early summer evening, making him moan into the kiss. He’s going to miss this - being pushed against a wall by Mark, being held by Mark, and being kissed by Mark. 

Mark is a year older than him. They met at the school’s media club when Jaemin was in his first year. After they became good friends, Mark told him about his college plans - to follow his mother in Canada once he turns 18. So even if Jaemin wanted to throw a tantrum to stop Mark from leaving, it would be useless. He started dating Mark during his second year with the knowledge that he only has a year with him. It’s just pure luck on his side - misfortune on Mark’s - when Mrs. Lee threw a curveball at Mark’s plans. Mrs. Lee wanted Mark to first secure himself a place in any school in Vancouver before moving. So, technically, Jaemin already got an extension with his relationship with Mark.

“Why can’t you just come with me?” Mark whispers as he pulls back to get some air into his lungs.

Jaemin chuckles as he leans his back against the wall. “You already know the answer to that,” he says with a lazy smile at his soon-to-be-ex.

“I can’t really change your mind, huh?” Mark replies while gently caressing Jaemin’s cheek.

“Like I couldn’t change yours,” Jaemin answers.

Jaemin has plans of his own. He’s going to where his brother is studying. Jaehyun is an incoming senior business management student at NCT University, so that’s where Jaemin will be in the next two months. But he’ll be majoring in multimedia arts - he may follow Jaehyun like a dog, but he still has an identity of his own. Unlike Mark, he doesn’t need to leave the state or the country. NCT U is just a city away. He’ll be there with Donghyuck, who’s going to study film and theater. Jaemin and Donghyuck are best friends. Since their mothers are also best friends who live in the same neighborhood, the two boys have known each other since they were babies. Literally. It’s Donghyuck’s idea that the two of them should stick together until college. Jaemin couldn’t say no to that. 

Aside from Donghyuck, Jeno and Renjun will join him too. Jeno is Donghyuck’s cousin, who moved into the neighborhood when they were in junior high. But while Donghyuck is all about arts, Jeno is a math and computer whiz. So, Jeno chose computer engineering for his degree. On the other hand, Renjun will take nursing. Jaemin and Donghyuck were surprised when Jeno announced that Renjun’s going to college with them. Originally, Renjun’s from Beijing. He was a transfer student during their junior year and he told them that he’ll fly back to China after graduation. However, Jaemin realizes that not all people are like him. Some people can change their mind for love. That's what he saw when Jeno hugged Renjun in front of them that day.

“I’m going to miss you,” Mark says as he wraps his arms around the younger boy and kisses him on top of his head, “you’re my first love.”

Jaemin groans, and retorts, “That’s fucking cheesy, Mark Lee!”

Mark laughs and leans his forehead on Jaemin’s. “I’m serious, Jaemin Na. Thank you for this amazing two years.”

“Shut up, you’ll forget me the sooner you meet someone else,” Jaemin tells him, biting his lip.

“You’re underestimating how much I love you, Nana,” Mark replies as he starts peppering Jaemin’s face with kisses all way to his ear, “but that’s not important, I’m not really the one for you anyway.”

Frowning, Jaemin turns to Mark and asks, “What are you talking about?”

Mark smiles at the younger boy, and says, “There’s someone close to you who really loves you. I know him. You do, too. You’re just not seeing him yet. But once he gets his shit together, he's going to love you how you should be loved. He's already doing a damn good job actually even if he's just standing on the sides.”

“What’s this BS, Mark?” Jaemin retorts and pushes the older boy away, making Mark laugh, “If you know that, then why did you make me waste two years of my life with you?”

“Simple,” Mark answers as he steps forward back to Jaemin, “I like you and I’m self-centered. He’ll have you for the rest of his life, Jaemin. What’s wrong with taking two years from that?”

Jaemin rolls his eyes and grabs Mark by the collar of his shirt. “Whatever, I don’t care about him right now,” he says, licking his lips, “I want to make the most of my remaining time with you. Kiss me.”

Smirking, Mark places his hands on Jaemin’s hips, and says, “Your wish is my command, love.”

* * *

_Mark left that party at precisely 2:30AM. He smelled of smoke and beer, so he had to fix himself before going to the airport. His flight that morning will take off at 6AM. He took a shower, brushed his teeth, and drank a mug of very strong coffee. He did everything he could to get rid of any sign that he just came from a high school party. That included all the indications that he was with me for the past five hours. He wasn’t going to let anything make him miss that plane. He had been waiting for this day since he turned 18 and he was already a year late._

_What I didn’t know is that, while I stayed a bit longer at that stupid party with my friends, another person dear to me was at LAX. He was pulling a piece of carry-on luggage behind him and making his way to board a plane, heading off to who-knows-where with a name he’s not born with._

_My brother._

* * *

**TBC**

* * *


	2. Out of Reach

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemin wakes up and finds out that his world has changed in ways he didn't expect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for being a slow writer.

_Our family started falling apart around the time I entered my first year in high school. I could still remember that shitstorm. I was in my room while mom and dad were downstairs, yelling at the top of their lungs. It wasn’t new, but I could tell it was worse than before. My rock metal music – a music I didn’t even like –couldn’t drown their voices anymore. With Jaehyun-hyung away for college, the desperate me did the only thing it could think of - I climbed out my window from the second floor of our house. There used to be a tree nearby, but dad got rid of it when he caught Jaehyun-hyung using my room to sneak out late in the night to meet Doyoung-hyung. That didn’t stop me though._

_ I was getting out of that house whether I made it alive or not. _

_ I would never forget Donghyuck’s face when he saw me panting at their porch, wearing soiled clothes and nursing a sprained ankle. _

_ By my second year, dad had already left.  _

_ It was obvious what was going to come next. I was dreading it, but I braced myself for it.  _

_ At least, I knew that was coming. _

* * *

Jaemin wakes up with a groan as his ears and brain start registering the sound of knocking from his bedroom door. Opening his eyes, he squints at his ceiling and feels up the side of his bed for his cellphone. It’s already 12:45PM. The knocking comes again.

“What is it?” Jaemin croaks as he puts his phone aside once more.

“Sorry to wake you, hyung. It’s just that your mom told me to wake you up for lunch…”

Jisung.

Park Jisung – Jaemin’s soon-to-be younger stepbrother. He knows he shouldn’t resent the boy, but he can't help it. He hates that his parents are divorced. He hates that his mother has a new man in his life. He hates that she accepted her boyfriend’s proposal. He hates that the boyfriend already has a son from his previous marriage. He hates that there are, not only one, but two people intruding their lives. 

Clearing his throat, Jaemin replies, “I’ll be right there.”

Jaemin sits up on his bed and cracks his stiff neck while rubbing his eyes. He and his friends left the party an hour after Mark did and stopped by a 24-hour McDonald’s for coffee and very early breakfast to ease up their drunkenness. They stayed there until sunrise, talking about random stuff. Jaemin can tell they’re doing it for his sake. Though he hasn’t mentioned it, losing Mark is devastating. His first boyfriend. His first "love." But he doesn’t intend to share those sentimental thoughts. Not yet, at least. He can always go to Jaehyun and Donghyuck later on if those thoughts get too much. For now, he’s not going to let any sign of vulnerability appear for everyone to see.

Jisung is crouching in front of the microwave when Jaemin enters the kitchen, trying to figure out how the appliance works. Sighing, he walks over to the boy and gently nudges him aside to switch it on for him.

“Sorry, I’m not good with kitchen stuff,” Jisung tells him as he rubs the back of his neck with a sheepish smile.

“It’s fine,” Jaemin replies with a shrug as he threads to the fridge, “where’s everybody?”

“Um, dad and...your mom went to work,” Jisung answers, awkwardly, “Jaehyun-hyung didn’t answer when I knocked on his door. He hasn’t eaten breakfast yet, too. Your mom tried to wake him up this morning but nothing. Maybe you can…”

Jaemin pours a glass of water and drinks from it before discarding it on the kitchen counter. “Just open the microwave once the beeping sound is over,” he tells him as he heads out of the kitchen, “make sure to use potholders when taking it out or you’re going to burn yourself!”

“Yes! Got it!”

Jaehyun isn’t the type to sleep all day even if he stayed up all night. That’s just how he is - the ever-reliable oldest son. Always on top of things. Always ready to help with everything around the house when there’s no school or part-time jobs. Jaemin’s a total opposite. Not that he’s lazy. He’s not just as proactive. He waits for people to tell him to do something. If nothing comes, he leaves and does his own thing. Their mother hates it, but their father and Jaehyun just let him be – one of the perks of being the youngest in the family. 

“Hyung, wake up!” Jaemin calls while he bangs against the door, “What are you up to? They said you haven’t come out yet.”

Silence.

Jaemin knocks again and turns the doorknob despite knowing it’s locked. A strange feeling starts running from his veins as he steps away from the door. Listening to his instincts, he goes back to his room. Their father made the two of them keep a spare key for each other’s room. He got tired of dismantling Jaehyun’s doorknobs whenever the oldest boy forgot his key inside. On the other hand, he just didn’t have the patience to wake the youngest through a locked door. 

Returning with Jaehyun’s key, Jaemin opens the door and is welcomed by an empty room. 

Between the two brothers, Jaemin is the neat freak and it drives Jaehyun crazy. However, Jaemin is greeted by a neatly fixed bed, an organized bookshelf, and a clear desk. Jaehyun’s room was never that clean even when he moved out for college. Confused, Jaemin steps inside to look around. His eyes easily fell on the two things carefully placed on the desk – a gift-wrapped box and a paper. Not understanding what’s going on, Jaemin picks up the paper – it’s a letter. 

A letter from Jaehyun.

Jaemin only reads the first sentence before he bolts out of the room and out of the house to grab his bicycle from their garage. Jisung yells after him, calling his name and asking him what’s wrong. However, the older boy has already blocked everything out. There’s only one thing in his mind and that is to find out what’s going on.

* * *

If there’s one other person Jaehyun is close to other than his younger brother, it’s Doyoung Kim. Jaehyun met him one summer at the community center when he was in high school. They were both volunteers. Though they went to different schools, they became friends and eventually dated before they graduated. They also ended up in the same university, taking the same major. He’s the first person Jaemin thought of to run to. In his head, Doyoung knows everything about his brother. It’s how it should be.

Jaemin hits the brakes and throws himself off of his bicycle when he reaches his destination. The bicycle is a gift from his father and he cherishes it very much. But, at that moment, he can’t bring himself to care if it got any scratch from his brashness. He just leaves it on the lawn and runs to the front of a two-story house, knocking on the door as hard and loud as he can until the door opens.

“Jaemin?” Doyoung asks as he sees the younger boy in their porch – disheveled, confused, and scared. “What are doing here? What’s wrong?”

“Hyung, where is he?” Jaemin says, panicking.

Clueless, Doyoung answers, “Who?”

“Jaehyun-hyung,” Jaemin tells him, holding onto the older boy’s arms desperately, “please, tell me where he is.”

Worried at the state of the younger boy, Doyoung leads him inside their house and into the living room. “Calm down, Jaemin,” he says as he rubs Jaemin’s hands soothingly, “tell me what happened.”

Not knowing where to start, Jaemin just takes out the letter he found on Jaehyun’s room from his back pocket and pushes it in Doyoung’s hands. The older boy carefully reads it and freezes.

“Hyung?” Jaemin asks, hopeful.

Doyoung puts the letter on the coffee table and stares at it. “Jaemin, I wish I can help,” he starts and Jaemin immediately frowns, “but your brother broke up with me last week and we haven’t talked since.”

“What?” Jaemin replies, shaking his head, “He didn’t tell me…he didn’t tell me anything.”

Anger seeps into Doyoung’s chest. It’s one thing that Jaehyun kept something as big as this from him, but with Jaemin? The person he claimed to love the most in this world? It’s absurd! Without saying anything, he takes out his phone from his pocket and calls his ex-boyfriend. Unfortunately, he’s only greeted with a voice prompt that tells him that the number is no longer in service. “His phone is no longer in use,” Doyoung says, turning to Jaemin, “I’ll ask all his friends if they know anything about this. I’m sorry there’s nothing more I can do to help.”

“I don’t understand…” Jaemin whispers as tears finally start falling from his eyes.

Gently, Doyoung pulls the younger boy into a comforting hug. “We’ll find him,” he tells him despite not believing a word he said, “I’ll help you look for him.”

Jaemin nods and closes his eyes. He stays in the older boy’s embrace for a while, crying his heart out and thinking what he’s supposed to do now. All his life, Jaehyun has been his anchor and source of stability and security. Without him, he’s completely lost. “Hyung?” he asks, straightening himself up, “I forgot my phone at home, do you have Hyuck’s number?” 

Doyoung purses his lips in thought and picks up his phone once again to check his phonebook. “Ah, I don’t,” he answers, looking at Jaemin, “you want to call him?”

“I was hoping I could,” Jaemin says, his voice soft and weak, “I don’t think I can go home…”

“I can drive you to his place,” Doyoung offers with a small smile.

Jaemin shakes his head.

“C’mon, Jaemin, it’s the least I can do for now,” Doyoung says, standing up, “just because your brother and I are over, it doesn’t mean we can’t be friends anymore. I want you to remember that. You can still come to me when you need anything. I will do my best to help.”

“Thanks,” Jaemin replies, forcing a smile of his own, “I’d like that free ride, please.”

* * *

Jaemin spends his time staring outside the window during the drive to Donghyuck’s house. His mind is filled with questions of whys and hows. Why did Jaehyun leave? How could he leave him? He replays everything that he can remember leading up to this day, trying to find when his brother started planning his escape from their damned life. He can’t even remember that he broke up with Mark just hours ago. Why didn’t he notice anything? How did his brother do it? He sniffs and quickly brings the heels of his hand to his face to wipe any threatening tears. Why did this have to happen? How is he going to go on with his life without his brother? A part of him hates himself for being so dependent on the older boy, another part hates his brother for leaving him behind just like that. He’s confused. Aside from not knowing what to do, he’s also at a loss of what to feel. He has never felt being so exposed to the world like this. He has always been hiding behind his brother. 

Doyoung pulls over in front of Donghyuck’s house. Jaemin stares at the second story where his best friend’s room is. The windows are open – a sign that the other boy is awake and is playing games on his PC. It’s what he told him he’ll be doing on their first day of vacation (and Jaemin’s supposed to be binge-watching some random series on Netflix). He and his friends made a deal this morning not to bug each other today, but Jaemin has no other option. Besides, it’s not like Jeno and Renjun aren’t exchanging messages at this very moment. They’re even probably at each other’s house right now without him and Donghyuck knowing.

“Will you be okay here?” Doyoung asks, looking at Jaemin in worry.

Turning to the older boy, Jaemin nods. “Yes, hyung,” he answers, exhausted, “thank you.”

“Remember what I said, Jaemin,” Doyoung tells him, seriously, “if you need me, just let me know. I’m still your friend. Okay?”

Jaemin nods again, and says, “I’ll go inside now.”

“I’ll stay until you get in,” Doyoung replies.

The younger boy wants to argue but he doesn’t have any strength left. So, he just lets Doyoung do what he wants. He gives the older boy one last thanks and steps out of the car. Upon reaching the porch, Jaemin presses the doorbell. Since it’s a weekday, both of Donghyuck’s parents are at work. Jaemin waits for his best friend to open the door with his signature bitchface. Donghyuck hates being disturbed from his gaming.

Sure enough, Donghyuck opens the door somewhat violently only to be surprised at the sight of Jaemin. “What are you doing here?” he asks, eyebrows furrowed, “Did something happen?”

Jaemin swallows. “Can I stay here for a bit?” he asks, not meeting his best friend’s eyes, “I have nowhere else to go.”

Donghyuck nods and lets Jaemin inside. He’s about to close the door when he spots Doyoung giving him a small wave from the car before driving away. “Let’s go up,” he says, leading his best friend to the stairs. When they reach his bedroom, Jaemin immediately wraps his arms around Donghyuck and starts telling him everything that happened in between his sobs.

“I don’t understand, Hyuck,” Jaemin says, clutching his best friend’s shirt, “why are they all leaving?”

Not knowing what to say, Donghyuck just tightens his embrace around his best friend to comfort him. Just like that one particular night two years ago. When Jaemin showed up in their front door covered in dirt and with an awful sprained ankle. “Stay here for the night,” he says, leaning away from the other boy to cradle his tear-stricken face, “I’ll call your mom so she won’t worry.” 

Jaemin doesn’t even think of refusing the offer. Without Jaehyun, he needs another safe place even just for the day and that place is beside Donghyuck. His best friend who has always been with him since forever. “Don’t leave me,” he pleads out of nowhere, surprising Donghyuck, “I don’t want to be left alone.”

Donghyuck’s face softens. He has never seen Jaemin this vulnerable. Not when his parents were arguing, not when his parents separated, not when his boyfriend was about to leave him. But he isn’t surprised. He knows that Jaehyun’s the person Jaemin holds dearly in his life. It’s just normal that he’s more crushed now more than ever. “I’m not going anywhere,” he promises with a confident smile, “you can count on that.”

* * *

_ Hey buddy, _

_ By the time you read this, I’ll be out of the state already. I’m sorry I can’t tell you where. Not right now at least. I just have to step away from everything. I know it’s not fair to leave you behind when you need me the most. Also, I promised that we’ll have fun once you’re in college and away from home. I’m sorry it’s not going to happen now. A lot of things took place. I just don’t know how to deal with them anymore. I guess I just got tired of it all. But it’s not your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. Remember that. _

_ Maybe I can’t fulfill my promise to enjoy college with you, but I can promise that I’ll come back as soon as I can when I can look after you again. Until then, take care of yourself. I may be gone, but you’re not alone. Your friends are going to be with you. I know Donghyuck will be beside you like always. I’m going to miss you, Jaem. _

_ I’m really sorry. _

_ Jaehyun _

_ P.S. I got you the camera you’ve been drooling over for the past seven months. You don’t have to save up for it anymore. Take lots of great pictures with it. Show them to me when I come back. I love you. _

* * *

**TBC**

* * *


	3. Back in the Scene

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemin's first college party experience.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If only this fic can write by itself.

_Summer before college passed by like a blur. I couldn’t even remember much about it. The only notable thing that happened was my mom’s wedding. I couldn’t even call it a highlight. I hated every single thing about it as well as everything that came after._

_Pissed at the stunt Jaehyun-hyung pulled, mom cleaned up his room and made Jisung use it. I was so angry that I begged my dad to take me with him for the rest summer. Mom got furious, but I turned 18 weeks after the stupid wedding, so she had no legal authority over me anymore. As a result, she told me to never come back again, which I gladly obliged._

_None of my parents looked for Jaehyun-hyung. Not even dad. And I hated them for it._ _I hated everyone. It was like I was the only one missing him._

_My friends did their best to cheer me up and help me move forward. They stayed with me every single day. Even Doyoung-hyung put aside his summer plans to ask around about my brother but to no avail. But no matter what people did for me, I was still left feeling empty._

* * *

“Yes! Freedom!” Renjun yells at the top of his lungs as he collapses on Jaemin’s couch followed by Jeno.

It’s been a tough week for the four friends as they experienced the first midterm exams of their college life. However, Jaemin and Donghyuck know that Jeno and Renjun had it worse than them since they’re taking up highly technical majors. Still, it doesn’t mean the two friends aren’t as tired and as stressed. Donghyuck lost a lot of sleep reading several literature pieces and memorizing theater concepts while Jaemin was so close to burning his computer it kept on crashing on his projects.

“I need a drink,” Donghyuck says as he discards his backpack on the living room, “and by drink, I mean beers, vodka, and other kinds of alcohol.”

Jeno sits up, and replies, “There’s a party tonight. The seniors at our dorm told us about it this morning before Renjun and I left for our exams. I think the varsities organized? Kind of like their last hurrah before the sports season begins?”

“Oh yeah, I remember that,” Renjun adds, “they said everyone’s invited.”

Donghyuck purses his lips as his gaze follows Jaemin, who heads to the kitchen to drink some water. “Heard that, Jaem?” he asks while exchanging looks with Jeno and Renjun, “I think we should go and get shitfaced tonight. We deserve it!”

Jaemin returns to the living room with a glass of water in his hand, and says, “I don’t feel like going out tonight. You, guys, go without me.”

They watch Jaemin go to his room with the door gently closing behind him. Jaemin has always been quiet and reserved. He opens up to only a few people. During high school, it was Jaehyun, Donghyuck, and Mark. However, with the two out of the picture, Jaemin has become more closed off than before. They know Mark has nothing to do with it. it’s all about Jaehyun. It’s been months since he disappeared and Jaemin has yet to come into terms with it. Donghyuck knows that his best friend still tries to call his older brother’s cellphone every night, hoping it will turn back on again.

“Maybe we should just…buy drinks and get drunk here?” Renjun suggests.

Donghyuck holds up a finger, and says, “Let me try to convince him first.”

Renjun and Jeno nod at him as he walks to Jaemin’s room. Without knocking, he opens the doorknob and just steps inside. He and Jaemin have been living in the same apartment for a couple of months already. Before this, they used to sneak in each other’s houses and bedrooms as kids. They aren't worried about getting caught with something. They just have to lock their doors if they need privacy.

Donghyuck finds the slightly younger boy sitting on his computer chair, waiting for iMac to boot. “You haven’t gone to a single party since we started university,” Donghyuck says as he jumps on his best friend’s bed, “that’s not really what we planned, is it?” 

“Nothing went on as planned,” Jaemin replies, typing his password.

“That’s true…but not all,” Donghyuck tells him with a pout, “the four of us are here and the two of us are sharing this classy apartment your father gave you for graduation…you may hate me for saying this, but the only plans that didn’t work out are those you had with your brother. But I’m still here…we can still do the rest, right?”

Jaemin stills and leans back against his chair. “I’m such a self-centered bastard, am I?” he asks, looking at Donghyuck.

“That’s not what I’m saying,” Donghyuck protests, sitting up.

“Of course, not,” Jaemin tells him with a small smile, “I know what you mean and I’m sorry for being a buzzkill for the last couple of months.”

Sighing, Donghyuck pulls the chair towards him, earning a chuckle from his best friend. “I’m not telling you to get your shit together and move on ASAP because those things take time,” he says as he turns Jaemin to him, “I just …I don’t want you locking yourself up like this. You’re sad, I know, but I hope you can still go out there and try to have fun because you deserve that,” he continues with a smile as he meets his best friend’s eyes, “He'll come back, Jaem, I believe that. And when he does, you’re going to give that pretty face of his your strongest punch and you’re going to tell him every crazy shit you’ve done without him and make him regret leaving you like this.”

Jaemin returns Donghyuck’s smile, and says, “You’re the only one making all this shit bearable, you know.”

“Well, I’m happy that I’m helping you,” Donghyuck replies while reaching for Jaemin’s hands, “so, what do you say? Let’s get drunk and crazy tonight?”

Taking a deep breath, Jaemin answers, “Tell you what – I’ll cook dinner with Renjun then you and Jeno buy us some drinks. Let’s start the party here before heading over there.” 

“Yeah! That’s what I’m talking about!” Donghyuck says, standing up and clapping his hands together, “I’ll go and tell the lovebirds the plan.”

* * *

After dinner and some drinks at Jaemin and Donghyuck’s apartment, the four boys head to the party an hour close to midnight. Jeno usually drives them, but they opted to take a taxi this time since they want him to have fun too without worrying about how they will all go home after. The party is at one of the huge mansions in the city, something that doesn’t faze the boys as they all know that majority of the students in their school is from rich families – including themselves. The party is already at full swing when they entered the house. The music’s blaring and the lights are almost out. The whole place turned completely into a club.

Renjun’s eyes completely lit up at the scene. “This is sick!” he exclaims in excitement as he reaches for Jeno’s arm and drags him to find the bar.

Donghyuck pulls Jaemin to his side so they can follow the other two. “You okay?” he asks as he leans close to his best friend’s ear. It was supposed to be a whisper, but with the music in the background, he had no choice but to yell his question. 

“Yeah! I’m just…just not used to this anymore,” Jaemin tells him, also screaming at Donghyuck’s ear.

Laughing, Donghyuck replies, “You’ll get used to it soon enough! Let’s go!”

Jaemin isn’t sure about that. Jaehyun is the reason why he started going to parties. The older boy dragged him and Donghyuck to every party the seniors have back when they were freshmen. They weren’t old enough to drink – much to their mother’s disapproval. After six months, Jaehyun stopped and said they could already manage on their own. It was also the time Jaemin became friends with Mark and Jeno finally caved into Donghyuck’s incessant party invitations. During those times, just like at the last party he went to, he would sneak into somewhere private with Mark after downing several shots and make out with him. Now, it’s just him with his friends. Though he did tell Donghyuck months before their graduation that he would spend their college years partying and hooking up with whoever comes on to him since Mark has left him, Jaemin realizes that it was only easier said than done.

“Jaemin!”

The boy turns to the direction of the voice and finds Doyoung walking through the crowd towards him.

“Hyung, good to see you!” Jaemin says as he welcomes the older boy’s embrace. 

“So, Donghyuck finally managed to drag you out to party, huh?” Doyoung replies, causing Donghyuck to spread his arms to his sides in pride while Jaemin just answers him with a smile.

“Doyoung! We’re going up the balcony!” Another guy approaches them and wraps an arm around Doyoung.

“Cool!” Doyoung replies before turning back to the two boys, “This is my lab partner, Taeyong.”

Taeyong bursts out laughing and shakes Jaemin and Donghyuck’s hands while Doyoung tells him that they’re from the same town as him. “You want to join us?” Taeyong asks and Jaemin notes how the arm that was on Doyoung’s shoulder has slid down to hold the older boy’s hand instead, “We may be graduating soon but I can assure you we’re still cool enough to party.” 

Doyoung scowls and nudges Taeyong with his shoulder.

“Maybe later,” Jaemin tells him as he wraps his arm around Donghyuck’s, “we just got here, so we might check out the scene down here first.”

“Got it!” Taeyong replies with a thumbs up and turns to Doyoung, “Let’s go?” 

Doyoung nods and bids his goodbye to the younger boys.

“What do you think?” Donghyuck asks while they watch the two seniors disappear into the crowd, “New boyfriend?”

“Definitely,” Jaemin answers. He may be already tipsy from their pregame, but he was sure that Doyoung didn’t tell Taeyong who he really is – his ex-boyfriend’s younger brother. 

“You okay with that?” Donghyuck replies.

Jaemin shrugs and turns to Donghyuck. “Why won’t I? It’s Doyoung-hyung,” he says as he pulls Donghyuck to the direction where Jeno and Renjun have gone, “It’s not like I have the right to stop him from dating other people. Besides, he deserves to be happy after my fantastic brother left him behind. I wish I can do just that too – find another brother.” 

Donghyuck removes his arm from Jaemin’s hold and puts it around Jaemin’s neck. “Let’s get you drunk to the point that you can convince yourself that you're an only child,” he says, grinning.

“By all means, please do!” Jaemin agrees, grinning.

The four of them end up sitting on bean bags by the pool with a couple of guys from Jeno’s department. Jeno and Donghyuck have a knack on making a lot of friends wherever they go. Earlier, Jaemin saw a bunch of people call Donghyuck. His best friend went over to them for a bit to say hello before returning to Jaemin’s side. Since then, he has been pestering Donghyuck to have fun with his classmates, but the boy insisted on staying with him until he’s comfortable enough with the environment.

Having lost count on how many drinks he already had, Jaemin leans against Renjun’s shoulder while Donghyuck entertains Jeno’s buddies with his overly animated stories. His head feels heavy but he’s not allowing that to stop him from drinking more. He’s about to reach for another beer from the table when he feels a hand tapping on his shoulder. He looks up and sees Lisa, one of the girls from the school’s cheering squad.

“Special delivery for you,” the cheerleader says, holding out a bottle of beer towards him. At this point, Donghyuck has already fallen silent and everyone in their group is watching the exchange. 

“I’m sorry?” Jaemin asks, awkward. He isn’t sure what’s happening and his current state isn’t helping to understand anything at all.

Lisa flashes him a smile before crouching down beside him and reaching for his hand to accept the beer. “He won’t take no for an answer,” she tells him, which makes Jaemin raise an eyebrow. Without dropping her smile, Lisa turns her head behind them. Jaemin follows the direction of her gaze and his eyes lock into a guy who’s probably a year or two older than him, waving at his direction before lifting a beer for some kind of a toast. 

“My job here is done,” Lisa tells him Jaemin, standing up, “enjoy the night, pretty boy.”

* * *

_His name was Adrian Choi._

_And just when I thought my life was already worse as it is, he proved me wrong._

* * *

**TBC**

* * *


	4. Away from the Crowd

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemin gets to know the mysterious upperclassman.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to update sooner but failed. Currently looking for work (I have been for two months now), so most of my time is spent looking at job posts after job posts. Sorry.
> 
> **WARNING: Dubious consent.**

_Adrian was one of our varsity players for basketball. He was a year younger than Jaehyun-hyung. At the time that we met though, he wasn’t playing. He had a knee injury before the school year started, so he had no choice but to miss that year’s season._

_ He was fine. He was cool. He wasn’t like Jaehyun-hyung. _

_ My brother would spoil me a lot, but he could also be a bit strict if he needed to. On the other hand, Adrian was a happy-go-lucky guy. It was as if he wasn’t a student-athlete. He did whatever he wanted. No one could stop him. No one tried.  _

_ He was a guy who would always get his way. _

_ No matter what. _

* * *

It’s been three hours since Jaemin and his friends arrived at the party. They have abandoned the bean bags and joined the dance floor upstairs with Doyoung, Taeyong, and their buddies. It’s a bit awkward because Jaemin’s aware that most of the people in the group were his brother’s friends. Still, he stays close to Doyoung the whole time. It’s the only thing he can think of to stay sane in a crowded place so that his friends can leave his side and have fun on their own.

Truth be told, Jaemin’s already bored. He’s just entertaining himself by downing bottle after bottle of beer and watching his friends with their crazy antics. He grins while Donghyuck’s voice rises through the noise in the house, yelling at the top of his lungs to tease his friends while they’re playing a drinking game. On the other hand, he shakes his head when he sees Jeno and Renjun grind at each other in the middle of the dance floor while holding alcohol in one of their hands. He remembers that, during these moments, he will be in an almost deserted with Mark kissing him senselessly against a wall. At present, however, he stays by Doyoung’s side and listens to their stories about their senior life.

Jaemin puts down the bottle he just finished and reach for another. Unfortunately, it’s already empty. He tries again and again and again but to no avail. It seems that they have finally run out of beer. Not wanting to be stuck with the older guys without being occupied with something, Jaemin stands up and starts to walk away.

“Where are you going?” Doyoung asks, catching his wrist.

“Downstairs,” Jaemin answers as he crouches down to speak directly to Doyoung’s ear, “we’re out of beer.”

“Okay, be quick,” Doyoung tells him and lets the younger boy go.

The first floor is now more crowded than when they climbed upstairs. Taking a deep breath, he pushes against the bodies of drunk and high college students to get to his destination. It’s not an easy feat. He’s already shoving them away just so he can move forward and no one seems to notice it even though he’s no longer doing it gently.

Just when Jaemin thought that his journey wasn’t ever going to end, he finally reaches the kitchen where the drinks are dumped. He has just opened one of the coolers to find something he will like to get drunk of when a hand suddenly comes around his waist, causing him to turn around and put some distance between him and whoever dared to lay a hand on him.

“Hey, sorry, I shouldn’t have done that,” the stranger says, holding both of his hands up in the air.

Jaemin recognizes him at once –

“My name’s Adrian,” the guy introduces himself as he cautiously reaches out his hand to Jaemin for him to shake.

– It’s the upperclassman who delivered him a beer a while ago.

Jaemin didn’t drink that beer.

Jaemin won’t shake his hand either.

Understanding the situation, Adrian lowers his hands. It’s not hard to miss when Jaemin stays on his spot while glaring hard at him. “I’m sorry for the way I approached you,” he tells the younger boy, “I didn’t mean to scare you and I have no intention of harassing you. But I guess I’m already way too drunk tonight that my brain can’t bring me to do a proper greeting anymore.”

“What do you want?” Jaemin asks, relaxing a bit.

“Oh, I just, uh, I just want to know you,” Adrian answers with a smile, “you didn’t accept the beer from earlier and you disappeared, I thought you already left, but I-I saw you squeezing your way through the thick crowd back there and followed you here.”

Jaemin rolls his eyes. “Well, I’m sorry that I’m not some stupid chick who gets giddy when some jock sends me a beer,” he says as he resumes looking inside the cooler, making Adrian chuckle.

“My bad, I panicked so that’s the best I could think of,” the older guy replies while shaking his head, “will you give me another chance though?”

“You’re not going to leave me alone, are you?” Jaemin retorts, facing him once more.

Adrian grins, and says, “Well, um, not right away? I can be really persistent.”

“Fine, I can make use of you anyway,” Jaemin tells him.

“Really? How so?” Adrian asks as he steps closer without the younger boy noticing.

Jaemin shrugs, and answers, “Find me a beer? The ones here aren’t cold yet and there’s a lot of coolers in this stupid kitchen. I don’t have the patience to look into all of them.”

Laughing, Adrian walks past Jaemin and opens the freezer beside the fridge. “Knock yourself out,” he says and the younger boy stands beside him to get one bottle, “so, can I finally know your name, pretty boy?”

Jaemin shoots him another glare.

“You definitely hate being called that but it’s hard to call you any other way until you tell me your name,” Adrian says as he takes the bottle from the younger boy to open it in between his teeth.

Taking the bottle, Jaemin thanks him with his real name.

* * *

At one point, Jaemin’s in the kitchen with Adrian. He’s drinking beers with him while talking about random stuff. Though, it’s really mostly Adrian doing the talking. The older boy asks him about his major, his friends, his high school, and so on, Jaemin gives him only short answers. However, that didn’t discourage Adrian from continuing the conversation. He fills the gaps with stories about himself – his injury, his sport, his life the previous year, his therapy, and many more. Jaemin could’ve had left him alone to save himself from listening to all of it. However, for some reason, he stays and gives the athlete his full undivided attention.

Eventually, Adrian suggests that they step outside for some air and Jaemin agrees. The insides of the house, even if it was still a fucking mansion, is getting too stuffy for his liking. He’s ready to kill just so he can get enough space around him. So, taking a couple more beers from the freezer, Adrian leads Jaemin out of the kitchen and into the vast backyard. Jaemin notes that the older boy seems to know the house like the back of his hand. It won’t surprise him if Adrian knows who owns it. The younger blurts this out and makes Adrian chuckle before confirms that the mansion belongs to the swimming team’s captain and he indeed is a very close friend of his.

Somewhere along the way, Jaemin loses the track of time. His sense of judgement. His inhibitions. Either he was too drunk after the countless beers he drank or something else, Jaemin doesn’t seem to notice how Adrian brought him to a small cottage at the end of the backyard. Far from the main house. Far from the crowd. Far from the loud music. Far from his friends. When he has finally gotten himself out of his trance, he’s already pushed down shirtless on a soft mattress in a middle of a dimly lit room with Adrian peppering him with soft kisses on the side of his face and sucking the skin above his collar bone.

“Stop,” Jaemin protests, dazed, “Adrian, this is – please, stop.”

“What’s wrong, baby?” Adrian asks in his ear, causing chills to run up and down Jaemin’s spine.

“I – This is a bad idea,” Jaemin says as he attempts to push the older boy off him, “I – I have to go.”

Adrian chuckles and lifts himself up to look directly at Jaemin’s eyes. “Relax, babe,” he says with a grin, “everything’s fine.”

Jaemin swallows.

“Are your friends going to hate you if you do this?”

Jaemin shakes his head.

“Don’t tell me you have a boyfriend.”

“No…no, I don’t.”

Adrian smiles. “So, what is it?” he asks as he kisses the younger boy on the lips, “An overprotective older brother who will hunt me down if I touch his precious younger brother?”

That sends a painful stab in Jaemin’s chest, causing him to look away. It’s always the same response when he gets reminded of Jaehyun and his absence. “I don’t have that either,” he chokes, his eyes blurring with tears, “it’s just…it’s just me.”

“Then, there’s really no reason to stop,” Adrian says as he brings one of his hand from behind Jaemin’s knee up in between the younger boy’s legs to palm him through his jeans.

Gasping at the pressure, Jaemin shuts his eyes and lets his tears flow down his face. His hands unconsciously closing around Adrian’s upper arms just so he can hold onto something to keep himself grounded.

“You’re so fucking beautiful,” Adrian whispers, causing the younger boy to whimper, “I’ll make you feel good, don’t worry. I promise.”

Adrian’s fingers smoothly unbutton his jeans and slide his zipper down, leading Jaemin to open his eyes again. He stares unblinkingly at the ceiling and feels the room suddenly starts to spin. He holds his breath and bites his lower lip hard until it bleeds. It’s all he can do to keep himself still as the older boy slips his hand down his underwear.

* * *

Jaemin’s just lying on his side and staring blankly at nothing in particular when the intro of Donghyuck’s favorite song starts playing in the room and Jaemin’s breath hitches.

It’s his best friend’s ringtone.

Donghyuck’s calling him.

Adrian has just cleaned him up and left him to take a shower. It’s just him in the room and his limbs have finally regained their ability to move. He’s going to take advantage of that. Quickly, he sits up and reaches for his clothes on the floor all the while ignoring the pain in his lower body. A loud and clear reminder of what has just happened. He slides his boxers and jeans up to his legs, slips on his Vans, and puts on his shirt in a flash without missing any beat.

“Hyuck,” Jaemin answers his phone once he’s out of the cottage, “anything wrong?”

“Where are you?” Donghyuck asks, worried, “Did you already leave?”

“No, I’m still here,” Jaemin replies as he looks behind him, “I’m just in the backyard.”

“Oh, okay, are you alright?”

Jaemin’s feet stop walking. He racked his brain for a way on how to respond to that question. As far as he knows, he isn’t entirely sure.

“Jaem?”

“Oh, sorry,” Jaemin says, clearing his throat, “I’m fine. I wanted to go back upstairs after getting beers, but there’s already a lot of people. So, I – I just stayed downstairs and went here in the backyard to get some air. I didn’t realize I’ve been here for some time.”

“No worries, I’m just relieved that you’re okay, I thought something happened to you,” Donghyuck replies with a chuckle while Jaemin bites his thumb’s knuckle, “do you want to go back to the apartment now?”

Jaemin presses the heel of his hand on one of his eyes as panic starts to creep into his system. “No, I mean, sure but if you’re still having fun up there, I can wait,” he tells his best friend, forcing a smile that the other boy won’t even see.

Chuckling, Donghyuck says, “No, I’m good. I’m done for tonight – or morning? Yeah, whatever. I’m ready to lie on my bed now.”

“Huh, okay, what about Jeno and Renjun?” Jaemin asks as he starts walking around the house to go to the front without having to meet the crowd inside anymore.

Donghyuck shrugs, and says, “I lost them. But I got Jeno on the phone and he said that we can just go ahead if we want to. I bet they’re in one of the rooms here doing who knows what.”

Jaemin forces a laugh, not wanting to think about such things for tonight after what happened. What he did. If given a choice, he just wants to forget it. “I’m here at the driveway,” he tells Donghyuck, “I’ll wait for you out here then we can go.”

“I’m already here, dummy,” Donghyuck says, surprising his best friend by jumping in front of him while laughing and ending the call, “you don’t look like someone who has gotten any air for the last hour.”

Avoiding Donghyuck’s eyes, Jaemin starts heading to the gates. Donghyuck wraps his arm around his shoulder as he books them a taxi to take them home. He freezes at the touch but forces himself to relax immediately. He doesn’t want Donghyuck or anyone to pick up on anything. Especially his best friend. If he must, he will take what happened tonight as a secret that will be buried with him in his grave.

* * *

_ I was no virgin. _

_ I presented myself to Mark as his 18th birthday gift. I was 17. Donghyuck tried to talk me out of it. He reminded me that Mark was leaving me in a year. But I still insisted. Because even though I’d be losing Mark, I couldn’t imagine anyone else being my first. _

_ I thought sex was no longer a big deal to me after that first time. After all the next times Mark and I fucked. After the last time Mark and I made love. How wrong I was. _

_ It’d be a lie to say Adrian sucked in bed. Because he wasn’t. I’d remember his touches and moves and they’re enough to drive me insane. But all I could think of that night was it wasn’t right. That I shouldn’t have done it. That I shouldn’t let him. _

_ When Donghyuck and I arrived at our apartment, we ordered some fast food and coffee. It was the same old after-party routine. Only this time it was just us and we’re in our living room. We took turns in the shower while waiting. And when we were done, I followed him to his room and asked if I could stay with him. _

_ For some reason, I wasn’t feeling safe. And I needed my best friend’s arms around me to restore my sense of security as I cried myself to sleep. _

* * *

**TBC**

* * *


	5. Playing With Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemin thought he already got away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry to everyone who is reading this if I took so long to update. I've been trying to get back to the story sooner, but it wasn't as easy as I thought. But here's an update. I know it's short. I will do my best to come back sooner. Thank you!

_Donghyuck kept on asking me what was wrong with me._

_I spent the rest of the weekend curled up on our couch while we re-watch one of our favorite TV series. Of course, I lied. And, of course, I knew he didn’t believe me. But he didn’t press much and I was grateful for that._

_I didn’t want to think about it. Doing so just drove me crazy. What happened didn’t make sense to me. I just slept with a school athlete. Yes, it was the first time I slept with someone I just met but why did I feel so regretful about it? It wasn’t supposed to be such a big deal._

_But I found myself wishing I could turn back time. If I would be granted that, I would stick close to my friends the whole night at that party. Maybe, then, I could have gone back home without feeling crushed._

_I could’ve gone back home as a whole._

* * *

Jaemin and Donghyuck’s majors are housed in the same building. They were thrilled when they learned about this during their entrance exams, making them more excited about college. Even though their classes take place at the opposite ends of the hallways, they can easily find one another.

They were worried that college will make them drift them apart. Different classes, new classmates and friends, conflicting schedules. Hence, Donghyuck made a decision that he will go where Jaemin will go. At first, Jaemin thought it was a trivial promise. After all, he got too used to Donghyuck riding along with his decisions. Donghyuck had always known that Jaemin will always put his brother first over everyone and he did not dare compete with that.

However, while Jaemin was lazing around Donghyuck’s bedroom while his best friend was taking a shower, he found an official-looking letter on the desk. Always a curious boy, Jaemin picked it up and read it.

It was an acceptance letter from the New York University.

Jaemin confronted him about it, but Haechan just brushed it off. He told him it was not important. That he just applied to NYU in case he could not get it NCT U. But Jaemin knew better. NYU is a whole different league. If Donghyuck goes to NYU, he will have to move to New York where the best theaters in the world are found. He will meet the right people in the theater industry. He will be closer to his dream.

“How was class?” Donghyuck asks as he and Jaemin meet in the lobby. The two are always thankful that their majors are in the same building, allowing them to see each other in the campus.

Jaemin just shrugs, making Donghyuck chuckle.

“That boring, huh?” Donghyuck says.

In truth, Jaemin had not paid any attention to any of his class. He tried but his head just could not seem to focus. It keeps on going back to the night of the party. To the night he had been trying to forget.

“By the way, I have a meeting with the theater club,” Donghyuck tells him, “I might get home late, will you be fine?”

Jaemin nods. “Of course,” he says, “this isn’t the first time, Hyuck, there’s nothing to worry about.”

“I know, but…” Donghyuck trails off, “you seem to be really off since yesterday.”

Biting his lip, Jaemin turns to his best friend and forces a smile. “I’m fine,” he emphasizes, “don’t worry about me.”

“Okay, if you say – isn’t that Adrian Choi?”

The two of them have just stepped out of their building and Jaemin noticed how the people around them are whispering giddily to each other. He follows Donghyuck’s gaze and he cannot help but grip the strap of his bag tightly.

Adrian was in front of the Arts Building, wearing a black sunglasses and leaning against a shiny silver Maserati that seems to belong to him. He is greeting everyone who is eyeing him as they pass by, causing every girl to blush, giggle, and squeal. However, he is not interested in them. His expression changes when his eyes go back to the front of the building and sees Jaemin standing at the entrance with Donghyuck. That is when he puts a smirk on his face and pushes himself against the car to stand up straight. He begins to walk, heading to the two boys while taking his sunglasses off.

“I have been looking for your, Jaemin Na,” Adrian says as his eyes land on Jaemin.

“Jaemin? What’s going on?” Donghyuck asks, looking intently at his best friend.

Clearing his throat to keep his composure, Jaemin replies, “Is there anything you need, Choi?”

Adrian laughs, causing Donghyuck to raise an eyebrow while Jaemin swallows in nervousness.

“You left me alone, pretty boy, don’t you remember?” Adrian teases.

Jaemin freezes. His eyes go wide. Donghyuck does not miss how the color drains from Jaemin’s face.

“At the party?” Adrian adds, glancing at Donghyuck, “We were at the backyard and I just went back to the kitchen to get us more beers and when I got back, you’re gone.”

“Oh, uh, yeah…that was…” Jaemin stammers as releases the breath he has been holding, “that was not very nice of me, I’m sorry about that.”

“You didn’t tell me you were with someone when I called you to go home,” Donghyuck says as he scrutinizes Adrian from head to foot.

Jaemin turns to his best friend but will not meet his eyes. “I-I didn’t…I wanted to go home that bad, too,” he explains.

Adrian lets out another laugh, and asks, “Was I that bad of a company?”

“No, you-you weren’t,” Jaemin answers instantly, “you were…you were great, but the party…it wasn’t as fun as I hoped it would.”

Nodding, Adrian replies, “I understand. I’ll tell my friends to do better next time. Anyway, is it okay if I ask you to make up for leaving me behind?”

Jaemin and Donghyuck share a look.

“How do you want me to make it up to you?” Jaemin asks.

Adrian flashes a smile, and answers, “Go on a date with me? Today? But if you’re busy…”

“I’m not,” Jaemin tells him, “let’s go.”

Adrian nods and turns to Donghyuck. “Will you be okay with that?” he asks.

Donghyuck raises an eyebrow again, and blurts, “What?”

“You’re his friend, I want to make sure I’m not causing any unwanted conflict here,” Adrian explains.

Rolling his eyes, Donghyuck says, “He says he’ll go. Like you said, I’m his friend. I’m not his dad or brother. I don’t exactly have any right here to stop him, not unless you’re up to no good, then I’ll be putting my foot down now.”

Adrian raises both of his hand in surrender, and says, “I’m not going to do anything. I can promise that he’ll be back early tonight. It’s Monday, after all. I, myself, have a very early class tomorrow. It will be just a simple dinner. That’s all.”

Donghyuck shakes his head and looks at Jaemin. “Call me when you get home,” he says.

“I will, you should too,” Jaemin tells him, “you should get going, I don’t want you to stay out late.”

“Got it,” Donghyuck replies, glancing at Adrian before looking back at Jaemin, “have fun.”

* * *

Adrian brings Jaemin to a high-class restaurant in a 5-star hotel. Jaemin is not new to such environment. His parents had a lot of official events to attend back then and they always took him and Jaehyun to show off to their friends and colleagues. On top of that, his mother’s second wedding was a wedding magazine’s dream come true. However, today is different. The ambiance is making him uneasy. He also feels underdressed. He is wearing a button down white shirt and jeans with Nike rubber shoes. His school bag is not helping the matters either.

“Is it too much?” Adrian asks as he looks around the place after the waiter took their orders.

“Well, I’m not exactly dressed for the occasion,” Jaemin tells him, making him laugh.

“We can transfer someplace else, if you want,” Adrian says, smiling, “I just thought I wanted to impress you, so I invited you here. But I’m not exactly doing it right, am I?”

“We already ordered food, let’s just stay here,” Jaemin says, “besides, there’s really no need to impress me. You already got what you wanted with me anyway.”

Adrian opens his mouth to say something, but changes his mind. Instead, he raises his hand and calls for the waiter. Thinking that he will cancel their order, Jaemin straightens himself in his seat to protest.

“Do you have a private room available right now?” Adrian asks the waiter.

“Yes, sir, would you like to be transferred?” the waiter replies.

“Yes, please,” Adrian says as he stands up and holds his hand to Jaemin, who does not take it and just chooses to follow the waiter.

They were led to a small private room at the further end of the restaurant. Jaemin think the place is not so bad since there is a wide floor-to-ceiling window that provides them a great view of the early evening sky. The room is less decorated, too. So, he does not feel so out of place.

The waiter leaves them on their own once again and Adrian takes the chance to stand behind Jaemin as he looks out the view. Jaemin takes his gaze out of the window the moment he felt Adrian’s hands on his shoulders, making him turn to him. Soon, those hands are traveling up his neck and to the side of his face, pulling him to meet Adrian’s lips.

The kiss does not last long. Jaemin has just closed his eyes when flashes of the night he spent with Adrian came rushing to his vision. He had to pull away.

“I know you think that I’m just really after the sex and all that, but I am serious, I really like you,” Adrian says, looking directly at Jaemin, “we’re in a hotel and I could easily just lead you up to the presidential suite and fuck you all night, but I’m not going to do that not unless that’s what you want me to do with you. I want to do this right.”

Overwhelmed, Jaemin goes back to the table to take a seat and reaches for the ice cold service water to calm himself down.

“I know we didn’t exactly start the right way,” Adrian continues as he kneels beside him, “I’m sorry if I let my animalistic side take over that night. It wasn’t right.”

“There’s really no point thinking about it,” Jaemin says, “what’s done is done.”

Adrian nods, and says, “That’s true, but I still want to apologize and I want to ask you to give me a chance.”

Jaemin sighs and stares at Adrian, who is looking at him as if he is the scariest person in the world. He looks like a kicked puppy when he should not. He is an NCT U star player. He owns the college world. Looking so defeated is so uncharacteristic for someone like him and it is making Jaemin feel bad.

“There’s no need to apologize,” Jaemin tells him, “it’s not like I didn’t let it happen.”

Shaking his head, Adrian says, “Don’t put what happened on you. If I remember correctly, I kind of pushed you into doing it. That was so bastard of me.”

“Can we just stop dwelling on it and move on?” Jaemin asks, not wanting to talk about that night anymore, “If you want me to give you a chance, then fine. I’ll give you a chance. Just don’t bring it up again.”

Adrian smiles and takes Jaemin’s hand. “If that’s what you want,” he says as he kisses the back of Jaemin’s hand, “thank you.”

* * *

_I thought I was in control from that moment. But I wasn’t. By the third date, I was back in the sheets without my clothes on with Adrian thrusting inside me._

_It was the first time I didn’t spend the night in the apartment I share with my best friend. It was the first of many._

_There were no beers involved. It was just a lazy Wednesday afternoon. He made some mean lasagna in his penthouse. It was supposed to be a simple stay-at-home date with us eating homemade food while watching movies on Netflix. But one small kiss led to another and the next thing I knew he was carrying me to his bed._

_Adrian was rough. Completely nothing like Mark. He was rough and aggressive. At first, it was too much. But I grew to love it. The pain mixed with pleasure got me making sounds I never imagine I would. He was also unconventional. Adventurous as others may describe. Pretty soon, I was handcuffed and blindfolded. Fucked against a wall while taking a shower, against the kitchen counter, inside his private elevator, at the back of his car while parked at the darkest corner of the school parking lot._

_Basically, I was fucked in more ways than one. I was fucked almost everywhere except at one place._

_I never brought him home. I never invited him to the apartment I share with Donghyuck. Not once. And the thought didn’t occur to me. It was never an idea. It was never an option._

_For some reason, that place was my sacred place. My safe place. And, even unconsciously, I never allowed him there._

* * *

**TBC**

* * *

**Author's Note:**

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